The Lost and Lonely Garden

 Day 30 

“It’s going to last until the middle of October”, she said with a confidence I thought wasn’t possible when talking about the weather. Especially good weather. But this morning as I made my way into work, I saw the rain clouds, spent of their moisture, peeling back away from the landscape to reveal the blue sky. 

She’s right, I thought. Maybe it will last until the middle of October. What a thought! I might get some more daylight horse time in yet. 

There won’t be any horse  stuff in my world for a few weeks and already I can feel my body aching to be with the horses and moving with the horses.

Yesterday’s fall was barely noticeable this morning aside from a few surprise ouches throughout the day. There’s some bruising to my backside and a little to my arms and hands. The biggest bruise of all though was definitely my feelings. It’s funny how that works isn’t it?

Work went swimmingly today. I got to focus hard on my priorities and tune out the world around me.The clock again became my opponent. Time ticked by quickly but my fingers, getting so much faster now that I write every night, licked across the keyboard faster than Father Time could tick the clock. Today I won the race against time to complete the tasks and tomorrow I will challenge the clock once again to another race only this time with scanning. 

My breaks have become so much fun now that I have felt comfortable enough to use them for what makes me tick. Finding pretty things to make photographic art and tell stories about has turned my breaks into a 15 minute adventure that happens twice a day. 

Today I walked through a lonely and forgotten, beautiful little garden. I was led there by the gold tipping the edges of two cedar trees. The more I looked the more I saw small statues, weathered with the winds and rains of Haida Gwaii winters. 

I started to play with the camera and make believe stories started to come to light. I started thinking about putting together a story told by the old Buddhist monk about a lost garden and its people. The story carried me into a magic land while I walked around the garden exploring under the overgrown ground cover. 

Phase 2 Exercise 1 happened today. I missed working out and it felt really good to have someone remind me which muscles I don’t work in my lifestyle. I have dialed it back a little so that on days my lifestyle is extra active or physically demanding I don’t workout. Then I have a rest day and carry on as planned the day after that. 

You see there’s this horrible beasty that’s been following me around for years called the Over-Do-It monster. It hides in places and takes advantage of my confidence and catches me in moments of naivety. The biggest and most powerful weapon I have found effective from Over-Do-It monster assaults is learning to implement the word and idea “No”. This usually means saying no to myself, which is never easy. Slowly but surely the balance will become easy and everything will get done.

***** 

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Too Fat For Clothes

 Day 29

Socked in they call it. I supposed it makes sense. The clouds hug the landscape tightly, much in the way that socks hug feet. 

I thought for a minute if my toes felt gloomy in black socks and if they would feel happier in more colorful foot attire. I wonder if they made reinforced socks in rainbow sparkle. That is always the worst part about wearing cute socks, they seem to acquire holes way too quickly. 

The rain was sparse for the first part of the day, but as the clouds sunk the rain heavied. The ground beneath my feet is starting squish once again. I wonder how long it will rain for this time. 

I made it out to feed while the rain was soft. There was a fawn under the trees near the site of the future barn watching to see what goodies I might be bringing for her to clean up later. I know the deer help the horses eat. She watched with no fear of me as I brought the horses their dinner and set out the hay. 

Then made my way over to the quail and collected all the tiny spotted eggs. My hands full of precious little eggs and a container full of feed under my arm I made my way down the stairs. 

Suddenly the earth beneath me disappeared and my feet went straight up in the air. I threw the quail eggs and tried to catch myself as all 220 pounds of me came crashing down on the hard edges of the wooden stairs. 

The bottom of my boots have worn down so much there is hole nearly all the way through at the ball of the foot. I’ve been daydreaming about my next pair of boots. The ones I bought last time I was off island crushed my feet, leaving me sore for days after wearing them. I’ve been fantasizing about rubber boots that lace up. I think I saw some once. Maybe they were orange, or were they blue? 

There’s a little boot store in Vernon BC, the only place I have ever bought boots that haven’t let me down. My -100 winter boots with the built in snow pants are still my favorites, although a waste here on Haida Gwaii. I still wear them on the days I just need to feel cozy. I can hardly wait to feel cozy in winter footwear that’s more suited for our wet climate. The right gear is such a big part of having a comfortable winter. I’ve been procrastinating about setting myself up with the right gear for me for the past 7 years. Partly because I got so fat and didn’t want to buy clothes. Partly because I dislike most of the options on the market and want to make my own. 

For most of my life dreams of the clothes I want to make for myself have filled at least half my fantasy time. Being fat has stopped me from making those fantasies a reality. Then I had a realization. If I can sew it to fit me, it won’t be that hard to bring it in when my body once again changes with the seasons of life. 

*****

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Dog Grooming Day

Day 28 

To say today was a calamity of chaos would be an understatement. How I managed to be reasonably together by the end of it all I don’t know. 

Born and raised in a dog grooming shop I had acquired the skills of a groomer quite young. Also having my first born quite young I was taught how to turn those skills into a business. 

Never wanting to be a groomer when I grew up the fact remains that there are a small handful of people I still can not say no to. Thankfully I have two lovely apprentices, one of which has opened her own little dog grooming shop as a homeschool project. 

I have always been notorious for being a “time optimist” a friend once called it. It's when one believes that you can do so much more with one’s time than is actually possible. 

Thinking we would be alright I chose to bring in the amount of dogs that we could do in a perfect world. The world we live in is not perfect and disaster soon started to unfold. 

It was an “exercise more, eat less” day I have recently learned to call them. Which was fine with me because yesterday was definitely an “exercise less, eat more” day. This whole idea of toggles is a lovely one. Kinda like keeping the metabolic scales in balance. Maybe if I can keep those scales in balance then my bathroom scale will be a little kinder to me. 

Our house sitter is coming Thursday and the need to have things as perfect as possible for her is an ever looming presence. The dirt I have been so good at ignoring since the last time we had company is now calling my attention with alarm bells. 

There will be no more horsing around this week, and that's okay because the world is wet and rainy right now anyway. 

I finally sat down and looked at my phone for the first time all afternoon. To my surprise there was my dear friend, looking for her lost sister. 

My friend called and I spoke with her on the phone. She said the purse of her sister with all her identification was still in her house where she was last seen early Thursday morning.

My heart sank. 

*****

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Cyndi

 

Rainbow Weather

 Day 27

It was the kind of rain that darkens the sky and wets the world. The kind that wasn’t really offensive to the skin but made the world gloomy enough not to feel guilty about staying in the house all day. 

I could feel the muscles developing from the pallet workout I had the night before. My body aching for sleep. So sleep is what it got. 

I grabbed all the blankets and piled them on the couch making a wonderful nest to enjoy the days cuddle puddle. The two fluffy tabby cats, Smokie and Bandit, piled into the nest with my husband and I. 

Everything is about to change, and while I wish it could stay like this forever, even though I know I know it can’t. The rain is what gives Haida Gwaii its beauty. The giant balls of moss that hang on the limbs of the trees as you drive down Towhill Road depend on the rain to keep them alive. The grass that grows here in abundance, nearly year round, grows because of this abundance of rain. The sun peeks out for short visits almost everyday. Leaving a trail of rainbows scattered across the landscape. Rainbow weather, one of my children used to call it.

Change is upon us. Whether I like it or not.

At the beginning of this journey I discovered that having a mission for the time with the horses helped keep me motivated. The mission is quickly becoming to discover the beauty that is everywhere, in the big and the small places hidden and in plain sight. I can hardly wait to explore my world with the beginning of this new season. But that will have to wait. First we have to go see the kids and meet the new grandchildren. 

*****

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Punkin Works For Her Dinner

 Day 26 

I suppose I had my answer. I thought to myself. Just a few minutes ago I had felt my abdomen starting to swell, then my thighs. Soon there was a horrible feeling of tight crawling up my back. It ran into my shoulders, then my neck. Right after I could feel the all to familiar pressure building up in my head. 

Crap. I thought to myself as I could feel the tissue of lips getting puffy as my chest tightened and breathing became difficult. 

In that moment all I could think about was how grateful I was that the last bit of wheat I will probably ever eat in my life was really good pizza. I ran to the pharmacy for Benadryl and Ibuprofen.  

I have known for years that I was munching wheat on borrowed time.

After work I took a trip to the groceries store and started my routine label check again. It has been so nice not to read the labels meticulously on everything for the past few years, but that is what saved me in the past and wheat shows up in everything. 

If I’m lucky maybe I will lose the 50 pounds of weight I have left out of the 70+ pounds I’ve gained in these wonderful food filled years of being a wheat eater.

The drying she was almost out of horse feed meaning it was time to go get more grass to put in it. I decided to head over to the neighbors field with scythe, rake and 6 nets to fill.

Leaving the now full nets in the field in groups of 2 I took the scythe and rake backup the hill to our house and tacked up Punkin. I set my smartwatch to Valkyrie, we dropped Tonka off in the arena and went to go pick up the nets. 

It was a little tense at first, enough to say I’m grateful that I had the good sense to dedicate our first medal to groundwork. But, as soon as she figured out she could reach behind her to grab her now portable snacks she felt much better. I guess it’s not so bad if the annoying things strapped to your body are edible. 

Finally finished, we got the nets off her body and set them outside the drying tent then we went back to let Tonka out of the arena. 

Tonka met us next to the shelter in the paddock. He had let himself out on account of we might have forgotten him and he didn't want to be left out. Tonka has never really felt that the laws of fencing applied to him. 

I came back inside. Thank goodness it’s Friday night because it was nearly 10:00. Horse o’clock heads taken up the entire evening, the house work time and some of the writing time. 

Having made big plans with myself to start getting the writing room set up, I brought my favorite chair up into my favorite room and parked it right beside the window. As my fingers licked the keyboard I could hear the horses outside making their horse noises. Looking up the walls are bare with nothing but soft light to comfort me as I write late into the night. 

*****

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The Truth About Time

Day 25

Maybe it was the wheat I ate yesterday, or the extreme over use of my badly damaged shoulders, or simply the sleep deprivation. It could have been the way I wore my hair or the way the new to me shirt hung on tight shoulders. 

No matter the cause, my body has once again shut down production. This time on account of a migraine. 

Thanks to a very low dose of medication, the pain of my migraines is no longer as extreme as it once was. There’s still pain but it’s fairly minimal, which has opened a door allowing me to experience all the other symptoms. My body feels tight in the neck and shoulders while the rest is more like jelly. Thoughts are slow. 

It kinda feels like my body is putting its foot down and taking back what I owe it. Tonight I will be catching up on some much needed sleep. 

The horses didn’t get their kilometer but I did do a little impromptu work with them at dinner time. Punkin is notorious for running Tonka off his old man supplements and stealing them for herself. I’ve built all sorts of makeshift ways to keep her out of them but she is persistent and crafty. Eventaully we’ll have a proper barn built but right now we have a few other projects on the go that are a little more urgent. They have a shelter and forest to choose from. They just don’t have their own custom designed bedrooms. It’s in the plan and part of the reason I’ve been sacrificing a little bit of sleep every night. 

Time goes faster than I do. Apparently I can’t go faster and I can’t slow time down. And the longer it takes me to figure out how to manage my personal restrictions the more time it costs me. 

Recently it’s become very clear that I can make money, excuses, routines, habits, and choices, but I can’t make time. I can say I will make time but in all actuality time is there and I can’t make more, it’s all I get no matter how rich or poor I might be. There is no way to buy more time. If I plan carefully and be careful with myself then maybe the barn will be done next year, but tonight I took advantage of a learning opportunity. 

I stood guard while Tonka ate his old man supplements. He was happy and knickered in a very cute and excited little pony knicker. Then he proceeded to eat his kibble. I have never noticed before but he eats one piece at a time and picks out all his favorite ones to eat first. Then starts on his next favorite ones. He’s methodical and extremely focused about organizing his food. 

Punkin came in, ears pinned and tried to find her way around me. She tried the mad face, the cute face, the sulky face and then finally gave up. I’m pleased to report that Punkin that when I left Tonka to obsessively eat his remaining, less favorable pieces, she didn’t try to steal them from him. Maybe I got through to her. Or maybe she doesn’t like the ones he leaves behind either. 

*****

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Nothing Tastes Better

 Day 24 

I couldn’t wait another minute. I had been sitting beside that smell for the past 4 hours. It tormented me, sitting beside me at work all afternoon, lingering beside me, a reminder that tonight I got to have a very special treat. 

Working in health care isn't an easy job. It’s not an all together thankless job either. A lot of the patients express their gratitude and appreciation for the work we do in all sorts of different ways. 

But nothing beats appreciation baked into a fresh loaf of homemade bread. 

“Hey Cyn, are you there?” He said, his tone was somewhat urgent, which normally means that it’s time for me to help solve a problem of some sort. This time was different. This time was extra special. 

“I have a fresh loaf of bread I just pulled out of the oven for you. I’ll be there shortly.” 

He brought in the fresh loaf of bread on a paper plate, still warm from the oven. 

I can’t even begin to describe how amazingly special it made me feel to have had a loaf of bread baked and brought to me at work as thank you. 

I opened the bread. It was soft and white and fluffy. We were about to head outside and move the hot tub into the sunroom but first I had to have at least one slice of bread. I spread the butter on it, not caring about the thickness of the fat smeared onto my special treat. It melted in my mouth and I enjoyed the creaming softness of the texture and the flavor of the yeast and sugar used to feed it. “MMmmmmmm, so good” I said to myself out loud then quickly got changed and went outside to help Brent move the hot tub hopefully for the last time. 

Getting the hot tub into the house was an adventure all on its own. 

Armed with the power of leverage and multiple lengths of boards we got the discarded, once burnt, beautiful hot tub into our sunroom.I decided against adding a workout to the evening routine because I had worked those muscles that need it most with a once in a lifetime fitness challenge.

It was fast approaching horse o’clock and leaving them for 2 days in a row is no longer an option as far as my mental health is concerned. I need their times out playing with me as much as they do. The symbiotic relationship between horse and human and that older than most of us can imagine. 

I did what any sensible horse woman would do and wrapped my blown tendon. I also choose shoes that were more foot friendly and promised my husband I would be good to my feet. 

I watched from my cozy arena as the sun set behind the trees and over the ocean. I left the horses to their own devices for a few minutes to think about what we were trying to do and headed down to the beach across the road from my house.

As I walked onto the trail I could see the warmth of the last of the day's sunshine hitting the east facing side of the trees. I walked the short path onto the beach, glad I had the right camera for the job. 

 ***********

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One Lame Human

 Day 23 

“No hoof, no horse”. I told that to I don’t know how many people over the span of the 15 years I was a traveling equine sport therapist. 

No foot, no human, doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. Maybe “No foot, no fun” would do the expression some justice.

Intermittently lameness has plagued me for nearly two years now. 

Post Tibial Tendonitis, which is now Post Tibial Tendonopathy. 

A while back I saw a lovely physiotherapist who helped me regain my mobility. I got orthotics and a brace and everything was wonderful. Until I started getting into heavier work with the horses.

The injury in my foot has been acting up for a few days now, the rare summer weather persisting has driven me to keep working in it. Even though I might be slightly lame. Today I noticed that my lameness is in need of a rest. 

I know and appreciate that my body will be changing slowly and I will reach my limits. This time, unlike the other journeys I have taken I will honor those limits and listen to my body. 

This isn’t easy to do. I suspect it isn’t easy for most horse people to do. For some reason as long as our horses are doing well and thriving we are doing well and thriving. As if they feed and nourish our souls. So who needs a fully functioning comfortable body to live in when our horses are doing marvelously well. After all, we just sit on them and they do all the work. Right? 

This is the body I’m stuck with until I die. It’s a good body, it just needs work.  Unfortunately the necessary renovations happen while I sleep and lately I haven’t been getting much of that, so things are bound to take a little bit longer to heal and that’s okay. It’s worth it. 

While I didn’t get my steps in and I wasn’t able to continue with Punkin today I kinda stayed off my feet, and that's okay. That’s just part of being lame and needing to rest the affected limb. My two breaks at work were still quite doable though and I met a lovely stellar jay who wanted his picture taken.  

******

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Tonka's Walk and Talk

Day 22

On the way home strange movements in the water caught my eye. There were dark heads swimming together close to the water's edge. At first I thought they were children swimming, I realized it was a whole family of otters swimming together in the warm shallow water at the edge of the inlet. 

As much as I wanted to stay and watch the otters play I also wanted to get home to play myself. 

This first 100 miles of the challenge Tonka and I are working on are dedicated specifically to him being comfortable in his body. No hoof no horse, so hooves is where we start our time together.The change in his demeanor tells it all. He’s trotting around like a super pony again and the pep in his step is back. His knees still look a little stiff but they seem to be loosening with every adjustment to his feet and every scoop of joint support in his feed. There’s no way he’s ready to retire yet! 

I played with his halter out on our walk adjusting and readjusting, moving the lead shank clip to everything that I could attach it to and asking the question, “How does that feel” both vocally and with rope. 

Tonka wasn't used to being asked questions like this, or I should say Tonka never had any use for being asked questions like this. Once he had his stubborn little pony head set on something he was going to do it, and no one was going to stop him. 

A light turned on behind his big dark eyes. Enjoying this new idea he started licking and chewing and playing along.

We enjoyed that style of walk and talk for a whole one kilometer away from home and as if his little pony pedometer said “we made it as far as you said we were going” he stopped and I decided he had done well enough for then night we took 5 more steps in the direction of my choice and turned around. 

With his workout done it was my turn.

Ugh. 

It’s 15 minutes I reminded myself. You can do anything for 15 minutes, remember. I cursed and swore at myself for having these so called brilliant ideas that involved even more work. Don’t I work enough already? 

This will make work easier in the long run, I reminded myself. I knew it was true. I didn’t like it much but I knew it was true. 

For the first time I paused in the movements looking for the problem spots in my muscles. I found them. For so many years I have been using other muscles to compensate for these neglected ones. The feeling of weakness encased in strength was interesting. It was hard but I enjoyed the sensation of isolating these forgotten muscles and for the first time in as long as I can remember my shoulders felt good after a workout. 

Tonka has 2.01 Km towards his pony express metal and I am now finished phase one of my journey. 

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Getting Off The Couch

It was nice. I wish it would last, but time seemed to be on a mission today and before I knew it the afternoon was half over. The lingering feeling of having to return to work tomorrow slowly built up in my chest. The thought of lunches that needed to be made, laundry that needed to be done, and dishes that probably should get washed lingered in my mind.

I quickly dismissed them. I didn’t want to do anything. 

The house sitter will be here soon, I thought. I should clean. 

I dismissed that thought too. Knowing that in the next two weeks the mad surge of cleaning and packing will happen but it certainly isn’t going to happen today. 

Thoughts of Punkin in her surcingle and how excited I have been to start properly long lining her stirred some excitement in me. I have ridden her a bit but the years of my youth have passed and I no longer take pride in the amount of abuse my body can take. 

That is why I gave my body the nap I promised it before heading out to enjoy my young horse. 

I tacked her up in her too big surcingle and we went down to the arena for our talk. Nothing had changed since last time as far as her gear is concerned but she had to buck about it anyway. There was about 10 minutes of sass and Andalusian attitude then she was listening like the good girl she really is. 

Attaching the reins just like we agreed upon in our last conversation we started process. First on one side. Then the other. 

She caught on quickly and we were able to go up to both sides in no time at all. She has been ridden and ground driven before so this was more of a refresher. The tiny arena was too small for her to have time to process the feeling of each rein aid, it was obvious she was getting overwhelmed with having to change directions so often, so I opened the gate and out we went. Just like our normal after arena walk only a little different. She was an absolute rock star and I’m so glad I got out of my cozy little couch nest to take her out. 

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Beauty In The Chore

Day 20

Once again I decided to force myself into more doing on a Saturday. Kudos to everyone who can work all week then put in a Saturday before resting on Sunday. My body hates this, so I did what any normal human being would do and I had a cup of coffee. 

 

I felt the warmth of it sliding down my throats as I thought about the wonderful things I was going to do with the day. It gave me confidence. After all it was a different weekend and just because last weekend it made me feel like garbage doesn't mean it was going to make me feel like garbage again this weekend. 

I was wrong.

This journey is about honoring my body, mind and spirit so I can do the things with life that I so badly want to do. It is not about forcing myself into doing things. I’ve done that for years and all I got was fat and tired. 

It was too hot. I nearly quit several times. The muscles in my arms protesting with every swing. It was supposed to be rest day. In this moment I decided to fully acknowledge that the quality of strength comes from the quality of rest. 

It had to get done though. The horses have become accustomed to a certain quality of life and that quality of life involves me heading out to bring home grass for them to munch on at least once a week. 

I kept cutting, telling myself that as soon as I was done I would go inside, in the air conditioning, and have a good long rest. I promised myself I wouldn’t do anything for the rest of the day and that I would not allow the horses to run out of grass in the grass tent again so that I will never have to do this on a rest day again. 

I finally filled the last bag and put the scythe and the rake on top of the hay nets now full of fresh grass. 

I had to take a minute to admire the extra long rake handle that was a piece of gnarled knobby drift wood I found on the beach. Despite the many knobs, the handle is now unbelievably smooth with a beautiful almost gloss finish. It looks as though it was finished in a woodworking studio but in truth it’s just become beautiful from hours of use and the oil from my hands.

Catching a glance of myself in the reflection of a window today helped me notice that I was really liking the curves of my body these days. The money I have been saving on feed is starting to become noticeable in the bank account as well. That time spent on this one simple chore was doing so much more for my quality of life than making the handle of the rake beautiful. It was helping to make my whole life beautiful.

                              *****
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