Introducing Mental Resistance

The cool ocean breeze whispered across my face, gently caressing my cheeks. A strand of hair that came loose from my ponytail tickled against my face. 

Soaking up the cold, I found the crispy air a pleasure. It’s June and for most the cold winds of the North Coast of Haida Gwaii can be somewhat depressing. Spring or even summer should be in the air by now but all I smelled was salt and seaweed. 

I was glad I hadn’t tried to coordinate all my clothes at the beginning of the week like I had all winter. The morning was hard though and the anxiety of having to choose my clothes weighed heavy on me this morning. 

It’s not a big decision but still a decision. I have found that when you’re forcing a brain with an executive function disorder to operate hours before it’s ready, the more choices you can make for that brain while its minimal executive function skills are functioning the better. 

The less I have to think in the morning the smoother my day goes. This is why I have “automated” as much of my process as possible. Choosing clothes a week in advance was not an option right now though. The winds may have blown down from the North today but any day now they may blow from the south bringing with them the heat of the summer.

My morning had derailed the moment I opened my eyes. The fact that they did not want to open was a sure sign that the day was going to be a bigger fight than normal. It’s a strange thing being in a fight with yourself almost all the time. Today the fight was more. 

I dragged my feet the whole morning and not just because yesterday was leg day. The minutes kept sliding past me without consent or control. The morning just kept happening to me and I was not a willing participant. 

Work wasn’t any better and in fact to put it lightly it was the most Monday I Mondays I think I have ever had. There was a moment when I thought about giving up and running away as soon as possible. 

The short walk in the chilling breeze helped cool my head in more ways than one. 

The day continued but I felt better after lunch and I started to feel in tune with the rhythm of the clinic. 

This morning's personal fight had drained me leaving not much energy to play with Punkin Pie. 

I could feel her getting a little bored and antsy and I knew that she needed me to get her out again very soon. First I had to collapse. 

I couldn’t fight with myself anymore. 

I laid in my cozy bed and thought about how sad life would be without horses. I promised myself I couldn’t take care of them the way I felt they deserved to be taken care of then I would have to find them homes that could.

Punkin loves to get out and do things and her quality of life goes down when I’m not able to provide her with outings. Therefore outings are a must in care plan for Punkin Pie. Tonight however I didn’t have an outing in me. I didn’t even have it in me to put on a bra let alone a saddle. 

Work stress had stolen far too much horse time from me lately though. Punkin needed to do something tonight. 

“Punkin”, I called out to her while cracking open the cookie jar. She was there at the gate before my hand had a clutch of cookies.

I opened the gate, put on the halter and lead and dusted her off with my good hand. She was willing as always to do whatever I had in mind, but she seemed shocked that she wasn’t getting a saddle. 

We went down to the arena, she looked and saw the gate to the outside world was opened and I could tell she was hopeful. Tonight we weren’t going to go on an adventure, we were going to work on the issue of mounting. Recently I discovered that she doesn’t like being mounted when there are stirrups involved. Seems like a fair compromise to me that if she learns to stand nice and still in the right spot I will learn to get on gently without using stirrups. 

I sat on the top stair of the staircase my husband had built me for the grooming shop. They now live happily in the arena and made the perfect tool to this training adventure. 

We hung out together and I scratched both sides slowly, winning her over with a nice chill attitude, massage and a couple of cookies.

When she was ready I slid onto her back and pointed her up the driveway. She refused and turned towards the open gate. She needs the adventure and in order to give that to her I’m going to have to get better at not putting up such a fight. 

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