A Cellular Experience

 July 20, 2023 

Today I went for the first intentional walk alone in a very long time. It’s been a whole trip around the sun since I started the journey into this journey of learning to relax.

The coffee supplies at the hospital had been depleted and it’s my job to keep them stocked. Normally I would drive to the co-op and pick up what we need but today I decided to walk.

It was cloudy with dappled patches of blue sky. The scent of the breeze changed with the scenery as I walked closer to town. For a moment I could smell the salt and seaweed of the ocean, then the clover flowers blooming in the grass at the side of the road.

Dandelion imposters bloomed in the browning grass. Brown grass is a rare site here on Haida Gwaii and one I find concerning. For most of the summers we’ve lived here the the ground has gone squish when you walked on it. This year there’s more of a crunch.

My goal this week was to unwind the tension I had allowed to collect within me before I start a more focused fitness program next week. Yesterday I had found my shoulders had climbed up my neck and were residing beside my ears. Consciously through the day I took breaths and asked them nicely to return to their natural habitat closer to my breasts. It was difficult at first but eventually we got the hang of it and by the end of the day my neck was feeling freed from its prison of tension.

Taking that one step further today I moved my body while I continued to relax.

Letting my eyes go soft I absorbed the view. My gaze wandered out towards the water in hopes that the black fins of the killer whales would return again today. They didn’t but the calmness of the water helped me feel even more at peace.

Taking another deep breath I dropped the tension from my shoulders and let the tissues of my body release the motion of my movement. I could feel them relax and stretch out. They stretched like they had never stretched before. Not the kind of stretching that I had warped myself into attempting yoga or trying to develop more flexibility, this was so much deeper. I could almost feel the individual muscle bundles relax and stretch out. It was a more cellular feeling one that felt like they had finally gotten to put down a weight that they had been carrying for far too long.

My limbs felt longer and my gait lengthened.

Losing weight has been important to me for the primary reason that I would like my joints to last as long as possible. It seems only reasonable that the less weight they would carry the longer they would last. Today I found myself contemplating how much damage I was doing to my poor joints by asking them to work under this much tension. Most of life I’ve been a massive ball of stress hurling at ridiculous speeds into whatever stimulating adventure has grabbed my attention.

Pondering this I continued to move and breath. I realized that this is what the horses must feel like when we work on moving out relaxed. For many years as an equine sport therapist I talked to people about the importance of relaxed movement. This thought made me feel like I had treated myself to something precious, I had unconsciously taken as good a care of myself as I do my horses.

The walk carried on for most of my lunch hour with breaks to stop and snack on the various berries that grow in abundance on the islands.

After work I made my way out to the paddock and let the horses into their dinner field. Punkin cantered off into the field and I watched to see how much tension she was holding as she trotted around tossing her head in true Andalusian style I noticed a little tension in her gait. Just enough to protect herself from another embarrassing wipeout in the field. Knowing she was keeping herself safe I took another deep breath and enjoyed the new state of relaxation and connection with my horses.

****

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Riding My Dragon

July 11, 2023 

It’s a good thing that the weather on Haida Gwaii has been cool enough for some people to think of it as being cold. Because today Punkin Pie was hotter than Hades on a Sunday afternoon in August. 

The last time I rode her was close to a month ago and that ride had been part of a trifecta of misfortune that had led to a week-long migraine. After that came a visit off-island with family for my grandfather's 90th birthday, then the necessary time to recover both in my home life and professionally.  

Life in the clinic has been a test of passion and endurance these past few months and thankfully the more work my endurance the stronger I get and the more I can endure. The more I can endure the stronger I can feel my passion fill my soul. 

Tonight though I have reclaimed my nights. I love the nights. And nights on Haida Gwaii in July are light into late hours making the perfect time to ride. 

I tacked up Punky at 8:00 and headed down to the arena while tonka screamed in protest. It was technically his turn but I really wanted to get out and ride my dream horse. The dream horse that was bred special just for me. 

Knowing better than to just get on and go I asked her to do a few circles in the arena on the lunge line. 

Trot, trot, troooooo BUCK!!!

And just like that I knew tonight was going to be a bit of an adventure. 

The excitement stirred inside me. There was a time that I would have been afraid to get on but I work hard for nights like this. 

She continued to buck and snort and jump obstacles in the arena. Her jumping was starting to look less awkward and possibly even rideable. That could be fun , I thought to myself and tucked the thought away to save for later when my passion might need a little fuel to get me through the next big push of life. 

Punky had bucked herself out and dropped her head to the ground and started to relax. This was her signal to me that she was ready to go.

And off we went.

She left the drive driveway fire breathing dragon chasing the hobbits away from her gold. 

It’s okay, I told myself, we’re fine, everything is fine. For moment I wondered if we really were but she seemed to be doing okay and I let her ride it out. After all I like going fast and she was running away with me she was just really excited to get out of the gate and get going. 

A few driveways down the road she started to relax, then it happened. 

There’s only 3 other horses in town and one of them came running down his pasture to see what was going on. The thick salmon berry bushes had hidden him and we had no idea he was coming to greet us until he was right there. 

Punky flew sideways and my body being slower at moving sideways and having less notice about moving sideways left there like a cartoon suspended in the air with only a fraction of a second to think. 

Crap I might fa…

I didn’t even have time to finish the thought and my muscles snapped into action on their own. For the past two years I have been working on developing the right fitness routine for me and my lifestyle and tonight it did not disappoint. 

My legs remained soft enough to prevent the hot blooded mare from continuing her lateral outburst while my core and my arms coordinated themselves amongst the chaos and kept my already broken enough body from hitting the ground. 

It took a moment to regroup and there was a little conversation about pace but not even a minute later Punkin was walking on a loose rein and I was having a grand old time feeling safe on my fire breathing dragon. 

****

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Life is Pain

The air was cold today. So cold it was hard to believe that somewhere not far from here on the continent there was summer. I could feel the polar ice caps on the northern wind, a chilling reminder of how far North we really are. 

The sky was gray and somewhat gloomy but I went about my day still high on the weekend vibes. 

By the end of the day the sky was blue and the wind had warmed a little. I was, as I usually am, grateful to be going back to Port Clements. The climate in Port Clements was milder than the one in Masset, protected on the center of the island it’s neatly nestled into the mountains. 

The grass whipped on the side of the road. The colours of stalks starting to turn, a sure sign that the season is maturing. The synchronicity of the flashing movement momentarily mesmerized me. They whipped back and forth in the cool winds with a beautiful yet simple display. I wondered if anyone else had managed to notice. 

So many of life’s simple beauty goes unnoticed as we chase our tails in the never ending race of what’s next,

What is next? I thought. 

I knew what needed to be done, what had to be done, what I wanted to do and what needed my attention the most. Unfortunately all these things were different. 

Flooded with gratitude for the work that I have put in to get where I am today I realized that if I maintained my boundaries and did my best to focus I could do most of those things. 

Brent and I had a nice dinner together, an omelet made from quail eggs we raised and spinach we grew. 

First I tackled the manure. Having been unable to use a wheelbarrow for some time now I have gotten used to my tiny buckets. My lovely horses have gotten the hang of pooping in one easy to access spot for me to pick. 

All the new poop picked up and plopped into the poop spot in the garden. I reminded myself that tonight was not the night to work on the old poop and as long as we keep up on the new poop we can chip away at the old poop as we go.  

Two weeks ago I was given the green light from my physiotherapist to work through the pain and start using my hand a little bit more. We worked together using a system with 3 gallon buckets to start slowly chipping away the neglected chores. I’m proud to say if it doesn’t rain I can carry full buckets. 

My shoulders, feet, knees, elbow and back all have their opinions of my lifestyle as well. Often I feel like I’m in constant negotiations with my body, bargaining with quality foods, supplements, rest and tools for a little more time enjoying the active lifestyle I love so much. 

The clock continued to tick on but I had just set the boundaries with the garden and I was so excited to go ride Punkin Pie I almost exploded. 

She did not share my excitement and stood in front of her feeder. You see she had grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle over the past 6 months and now that I’m able to ride properly a little bit, life isn’t all about cookies and mash. 

I put the squishy halter on her and walked her down to the mounting block. Today was my third ride on her bareback in the arena, and this time she enjoyed it. 

Tonka joined us in a short mosey around the tiny arena. The cold wind wiping off the ocean from the North made the most beautiful sound of waves crashing on the beach. 

We strolled around the arena for a while. Her and I with our matching fat rolls wobbling about as we explored this new way to connect. It was a short ride. 

I came into the house and thought about how well I had kept that boundary. Instead of running off into the sunset like I wanted to I worked on something nearly as fulfilling then came in to complete my night of work. 

There was even 10 minutes left on my horse clock so I picked up the sewing project I had been wanting to do for a while now and spent that 10 minutes carefully snipping the fabric of my new dress with scissors, a tool I hadn’t been able to use in almost 6 months. 

I sit here now, writing and working through the cornucopia of pain that tells the story of all the wonderful things I have done with my life and I am grateful for all these pains.  

*****

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Introducing Mental Resistance

The cool ocean breeze whispered across my face, gently caressing my cheeks. A strand of hair that came loose from my ponytail tickled against my face. 

Soaking up the cold, I found the crispy air a pleasure. It’s June and for most the cold winds of the North Coast of Haida Gwaii can be somewhat depressing. Spring or even summer should be in the air by now but all I smelled was salt and seaweed. 

I was glad I hadn’t tried to coordinate all my clothes at the beginning of the week like I had all winter. The morning was hard though and the anxiety of having to choose my clothes weighed heavy on me this morning. 

It’s not a big decision but still a decision. I have found that when you’re forcing a brain with an executive function disorder to operate hours before it’s ready, the more choices you can make for that brain while its minimal executive function skills are functioning the better. 

The less I have to think in the morning the smoother my day goes. This is why I have “automated” as much of my process as possible. Choosing clothes a week in advance was not an option right now though. The winds may have blown down from the North today but any day now they may blow from the south bringing with them the heat of the summer.

My morning had derailed the moment I opened my eyes. The fact that they did not want to open was a sure sign that the day was going to be a bigger fight than normal. It’s a strange thing being in a fight with yourself almost all the time. Today the fight was more. 

I dragged my feet the whole morning and not just because yesterday was leg day. The minutes kept sliding past me without consent or control. The morning just kept happening to me and I was not a willing participant. 

Work wasn’t any better and in fact to put it lightly it was the most Monday I Mondays I think I have ever had. There was a moment when I thought about giving up and running away as soon as possible. 

The short walk in the chilling breeze helped cool my head in more ways than one. 

The day continued but I felt better after lunch and I started to feel in tune with the rhythm of the clinic. 

This morning's personal fight had drained me leaving not much energy to play with Punkin Pie. 

I could feel her getting a little bored and antsy and I knew that she needed me to get her out again very soon. First I had to collapse. 

I couldn’t fight with myself anymore. 

I laid in my cozy bed and thought about how sad life would be without horses. I promised myself I couldn’t take care of them the way I felt they deserved to be taken care of then I would have to find them homes that could.

Punkin loves to get out and do things and her quality of life goes down when I’m not able to provide her with outings. Therefore outings are a must in care plan for Punkin Pie. Tonight however I didn’t have an outing in me. I didn’t even have it in me to put on a bra let alone a saddle. 

Work stress had stolen far too much horse time from me lately though. Punkin needed to do something tonight. 

“Punkin”, I called out to her while cracking open the cookie jar. She was there at the gate before my hand had a clutch of cookies.

I opened the gate, put on the halter and lead and dusted her off with my good hand. She was willing as always to do whatever I had in mind, but she seemed shocked that she wasn’t getting a saddle. 

We went down to the arena, she looked and saw the gate to the outside world was opened and I could tell she was hopeful. Tonight we weren’t going to go on an adventure, we were going to work on the issue of mounting. Recently I discovered that she doesn’t like being mounted when there are stirrups involved. Seems like a fair compromise to me that if she learns to stand nice and still in the right spot I will learn to get on gently without using stirrups. 

I sat on the top stair of the staircase my husband had built me for the grooming shop. They now live happily in the arena and made the perfect tool to this training adventure. 

We hung out together and I scratched both sides slowly, winning her over with a nice chill attitude, massage and a couple of cookies.

When she was ready I slid onto her back and pointed her up the driveway. She refused and turned towards the open gate. She needs the adventure and in order to give that to her I’m going to have to get better at not putting up such a fight. 

******

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A Voice From Beyond - Punkin's 6th Ride

 Day 3 Take 3 

October 25, 2022 

I decided to try something new with my stirrups and my pathetic attempt at twisting my fenders was nothing short of a mess.

We lunged first in the driest patch of the driveway. My visions of working on the property all winter had dissolved when the dry sandy ground turned to slick mud. Eventually the footing will come but it’s not here now and waiting for things to be perfect only means I’m cheating myself out of one more ride with what will be my last horse. 

I tacked Punkin Pie up complete with front and rear reflectors, plus reflectors on all for legs. My torso was covered with a reflective vest and my helmet was equipped with a fully charged GoPro as well as front and rear facing lights. With only 12 more days left until the dreaded daylight savings time begins, getting the “Christmas Tree Costume” in place is going to be a saving grace when our rides start and end in the dark. 

We lunged for a bit first, and in hindsight probably not long enough.

Tying my 14 foot natural horsemanship lead line into a set of reins on her cushy padded halter, I took her over to the mounting block. She was fidgety and not altogether sure if today this whole mom on top thing was a good idea. 

The mess of stirrups was way too much of a mess to use. I couldn't even get my feet into them, probably because on top of the mess I had made I had also made them too long. 

I thought about getting off. She was hot. Really hot. Still responsive and soft in my hands but it was definitely time to take my 14.2 hand high fire breathing dragon out for some exercise. Screw the stirrups.

Remembering how my tight thighs had rubbed her during one of our last rides I focused on relaxing my inner thighs, stretching down through my legs and holding with my lower pelvic muscles. I sat up straight and relaxed my shoulders so as not to put any undesirable pressure on my very green horse. 

I managed to talk the dead feeling spot in my pelvic floor into engaging. I couldn't feel a thing but suddenly I was stable. 

Punkin on the other hand wasn’t too sure about all this and really needed some grass to calm her tummy. Grass, especially the fiber rich not-so-sweet grass that grows on Haida Gwaii, has a way of making horse tummies feel better when the world gets a little scary. Today was scary, not only was mom wobbling about on her back while messed up stirrups touched her delicate tummy, it was starting to get dark. 

I asked her to pick up her head and keep moving forward, which she did delectably at first and then with gusto. Her power feels amazing underneath me and yet she remains so light in my hands with just a squishy halter and big fat lead rope for a bridle and reins. 

It felt like she was asking a lot for snacks tonight. For a moment I felt myself get discouraged. Then, clear as a bell from somewhere unimaginably far away I heard a voice “Look at what you are doing!” 

I took myself out of the moment I was in almost as though I had popped out of the saddle into a type of out of body experience. 40 years of riding experiences flashed before my eyes and I saw with perspective exactly what I was doing. I was riding my very green horse, on a loose rein, with nothing but a halter and lead rope for a bridle, down the road as it was getting dark with no stirrups. 

Suddenly I was filled with gratitude. All the work, all the preparation, all the tiny steps I had taken when I felt like I was getting nowhere had gotten me so much farther ahead than I had ever been before.

*****

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Birthday Mashup

 Day 16, Take 2 

September 19 2022

It was my 42nd birthday, thankfully the weather was kind. There were periods of rain but for the most part the skies stayed gray without leaking too much water on us. Work was busy and I found that I had once again exceeded the limits of my abilities. Between Punkin choking over the weekend and the processing of salmon during the rest of the week on top of my already jammed pack chore schedule I was beyond exhausted. Even as I write this two day later I still have no idea how I made it through the day. 

Brent took me for lunch and we had the whole place to ourselves because they were closed. They had made a special lunch just for me. 

The meal was fantastic. Grilled halibut fresh caught by local fisherman topped with grilled corn and a variety of onions and peppers served with a delicious homemade hot sauce and the very best French fries in town. It was such a wonderful treat.

Day 17, Take 2 

September 30, 2022

Life had drained every last drop of what it could from me. I had allowed it to pick me up, wring me out like an old dish cloth and hang me out to dry. 

I had gone into my reserve energy when I helped Punkin clear her choking episode. I had continued to use what was left of that energy reserve to process our year's supply of salmon. Once again I had made choices that used up everything that I had and more. 

Guilt covered me in a cloak of self pity. I knew better. I should be working on getting the horses into the trailer. There’s so much work that needs to be done. I can’t be taking a day off to lie around. 

So many thoughts eating away at me. So many things I thought I should be doing but my body and mind needed a break. I knew more than anything I needed rest. 

In my first round I had learned to rest and learned the value of rest. The harvest came and with it the change of season. A feeling of urgency for the completion of things I have started during longer days seems to grow stronger as the days grow shorter. 

I have been told by many people most of my life that I can not do everything. Still refusing to believe that’s the truth I find comfort in the words of.another. “You can do everything”, she told me, “just not all at once”.  

Day 18, Take 2

October 1, 2022

A sharp pain pierced through the blackness of my deep sleep. The pressure behind my right eye filled my head and startled me awake. My stomach turned and I ran to the bathroom. 

Migraines are not my favorite way to be woken up. 

This is not fair! I don’t deserve this! I didn”t do anything to provoke this! I told myself all of this knowing it was all lies.

The weather decided to do its part to help keep me in rest mode. I watched the rain pour down off the roof of our sun room from my cozy nest on the couch. It was much easier not to feel guilty when my head was pounding. Focusing only what was going to help me recover from my headache I spent the day deeply resting. 

The weather broke around the same time my headache lifted. 

I wish there were more hours in a day. Things could get done so much faster if there were more hours in a day. Even if I only slept those extra hours I’m sure I could do more.

The horses went into the trailer happily today. All it took was their dinner served in their bowls in their spots in the trailer. They ate with the door closed. They went in and out and it went very smoothly. No drama. No fighting. No stress. Just nice and easy. Like they hadn’t missed a day since all those years ago when we traveled together all over the island.

Tomorrow we shall go for a little ride and visit the house where they will meet the vet. 

***** 

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Punkin Chokes

 Day 11 Take 2 

September 24, 2022 

The blankets were warm and cozy and I could have stayed in bed all day.That should have been my first warning. I should have stayed in bed. 

The sky was gray but dry and I knew that I could multitask if I only had one fire. I decided to start the easy fire. 

First I put some hay into the bottom field for the horse with the intention of keeping them out of the smoke. 

I put the sticks that had burnt last time onto the fire and set up my fire shatter kit like I have been doing up until now. Finding dry enough wood to get the fire started was getting more and more difficult but I wasn't going to let it beat me. Not today. 

Nearly an hour later I resorted to starting a grease fire to get my yard clean up done. It was working but it needed to be thoroughly tended.It was now taking too much time and resources to justify burning. This would be my last one this year. 

Tonka decided that he didn't want to be fed in the bottom field this morning and broke into the garden to eat. Punkin was so upset that she couldn't get into the garden too that sen refused to go to the bottom field to eat. 

I finally took pity on her and brought some hay into her shelter so she could at least snack while she miserably watched her pony get all the good stuff. 

The fire was well on its way to being hot enough to load up and leave for a bit so I could start working on getting the rig set up. 

Punkin came running out of her shelter desperately trying to get something out of her mouth and trying to nibble teeny pieces of gras, which she promptly spat out. 

I watched in horror, terrified she had just eaten a fish hook. How would she have eaten a fish hook? There is no fish hook. That’s just your imagination. 

She sorted herself and went back to eating. 

Roughly 5 minutes later she came out of her shelter and flipped her top lip up at me. The colic face. 

“You’re not colicing”  I said. She flipped up her lip and looked at me desperately for help. Dropping everything I went over to her and took one look at her contracted abdomen. It flinched when I touched it and her lip flipped up again. 

Immediately the colic protocol went into action. I grabbed the happy tummy paste, made the special mash and ran out of the bar with the lunge line in my hand. 

First I pried her mouth open to make sure there wasn’t a fish hook. As I already knew there was no fish hook. My imagination could stop that now. 

She didn’t want the happy tummy paste. Normally she likes it but I made her eat it anyway. This colic seemed worse than the last one. 

Her lip flipped up and this time her shoulder shook, the muscle tissues twitching uncontrollably. Ahhhh seizure!! It wasn’t a seizure. I knew better. Lip flipped up again. 

“Oh my goodness you’re not colicing you’re choking aren’t you!” I said out loud to her as I rubbed her neck. Using everything I know about equine anatomy and the esophagus in general imagined a lump and worked the tissues of her throat to help the process of swallowing. It seemed to be helping. 

Punkin had choked on me once before as a yearling. Her and Tonka were racing to gobble the food and they both choked. Tonka cleared his and Punkin needed the vet. There was no vet today, just me, and we were going to have to get through this together. 

“You and me we're going to move through this together” I told her. “We’re just going to keep moving forward.” 

4 Kilometers and two hours later she nibbled some grass and had the tiniest sip of a puddle. Soon after she was nibbling the rain soak grass which quickly turned into grazing. I gave her the space to eat enough to make her feel better and we took our time. 

With Punkin on the mend and feeling much better I went back into the house I had melted down. I snuggled up on my couch and buried myself under a mountain of blankets where I hid until the world in my head was a little kinder and my body could handle the pressure of movement once again. I had worked so hard all week there was no energy left to handle this emergency but I did now there was nothing left.

******

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Dead Zombie Goo

 Day 5 Take 2 

September 18, 2022 

I decided to try and make some high protein bread. Not having any of the necessary ingredients I decided to use what I had. 

Having made beautiful things out of quinoa in my past I figured I had this and would use flax and chia seeds to sub the eggs and psyllium husks to bind it all together and fall apart when you’re eating it. 

I cooked up the quiona and put everything into a blender. Then added some water, and more water and more water. 

The thick warm paste of mushed quinoa and seeds filled the blender and still wouldn’t fully mix. So I did what any mad scientist would do in her ktiechen and I threw some yeast into it and mixed it by hand. 

Taking the blob of yeasty quinoa goop out of the blender with the spatula I stirred it with I moved it into the parchment lined loafs pan. I had a good feeling about this bread. After all, my other quinoa breads were quite tasty. I let it sit on the counter for about 45 minutes hoping it would rise. It didn’t. 

So I popped it into the oven and let it bake for over an hour, quinoa tends to be a little on the moist side so I left it in a little longer than I should.The toothpick came out clear so I removed the loaf from the over and plopped it on a cooling rack. 

It spread. Like hot thick goo overflowing the boundaries or a crusty shell it spread right before my eyes. Slowly it started to sink through the rack. Crap I thought, what now? 

I put the crusted gooey blob onto a cookie sheet and popped it back into the oven. Maybe that will dry it out enough to eat. 

HARD NOPE. Maybe I could save it. 

I scooped the contents out of the hardish shell into a bowl and added more water in hopes that I might be able to balance the batter with something that creates horribly dry baking. This would normally be a job for coconut flour but I couldn't find mine. The last time I saw it I think I cursed it and sent it to the basement with the quail food making ingredients. Having deemed it unfit for human consumption because it was far too dry would have made it the perfect candidate. Instead I used dehydrated black bean powder, which can end up dry or moist depending on the recipe. 

The black bean powder had turned the goo a dead gray. The dead gray color you would expect to see of a decomposing zombie. Dead zombie goo I now called it. 

Having properly bloomed the yeast this time I had faith that it would work. 

My faith was once again misplaced but that didn’t mean that it wasn't going to rise in the oven. So I put it back into the oven and left for well over an hour. Nothing could still be goo in an oven for that long? Right? 

Wrong! I pulled the dead zombie goo out of the oven and just like before it was still a hot mess of mush, only this time it was well mixed and looked like death. 

Now these ingredients are expensive and sometimes difficult to get where I live. Wasting them was not an option. I pulled out the dehydrator and spread the dead zombie goo ever so thinly over parchment paper on the racks. 

My dehydrator has been making me crackers from this sort of concoction for years. It was my last hope. I sprinkled each rack with light dusting of sea salt and whispered to my dehydrator “Don’t fail me now” as I plugged it in and left it to run in the sunroom overnight. 

Horse O’clock which had started as a minimum of 1km has now evolved into “lets see what we can do in an hour”. Setting time boundaries with myself is a big part of my balance experiment for this cycle and so far I think they’re working really well. I let go of my tension and then like I had hit a secret button Punkin let go of hers too! There we walked, long and relaxed in an effortless fast gait. 

4.12 kilometers we walked tonight working on releasing tension while moving. Which puts us at 34.6% of the way through our Valkyrie Challenge and only 63.6 more miles of ground work left until our nightly walks will transition into nightly rides. And to think I almost didn’t go because of today’s earlier failure. 

*****

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