A Voice From Beyond - Punkin's 6th Ride

 Day 3 Take 3 

October 25, 2022 

I decided to try something new with my stirrups and my pathetic attempt at twisting my fenders was nothing short of a mess.

We lunged first in the driest patch of the driveway. My visions of working on the property all winter had dissolved when the dry sandy ground turned to slick mud. Eventually the footing will come but it’s not here now and waiting for things to be perfect only means I’m cheating myself out of one more ride with what will be my last horse. 

I tacked Punkin Pie up complete with front and rear reflectors, plus reflectors on all for legs. My torso was covered with a reflective vest and my helmet was equipped with a fully charged GoPro as well as front and rear facing lights. With only 12 more days left until the dreaded daylight savings time begins, getting the “Christmas Tree Costume” in place is going to be a saving grace when our rides start and end in the dark. 

We lunged for a bit first, and in hindsight probably not long enough.

Tying my 14 foot natural horsemanship lead line into a set of reins on her cushy padded halter, I took her over to the mounting block. She was fidgety and not altogether sure if today this whole mom on top thing was a good idea. 

The mess of stirrups was way too much of a mess to use. I couldn't even get my feet into them, probably because on top of the mess I had made I had also made them too long. 

I thought about getting off. She was hot. Really hot. Still responsive and soft in my hands but it was definitely time to take my 14.2 hand high fire breathing dragon out for some exercise. Screw the stirrups.

Remembering how my tight thighs had rubbed her during one of our last rides I focused on relaxing my inner thighs, stretching down through my legs and holding with my lower pelvic muscles. I sat up straight and relaxed my shoulders so as not to put any undesirable pressure on my very green horse. 

I managed to talk the dead feeling spot in my pelvic floor into engaging. I couldn't feel a thing but suddenly I was stable. 

Punkin on the other hand wasn’t too sure about all this and really needed some grass to calm her tummy. Grass, especially the fiber rich not-so-sweet grass that grows on Haida Gwaii, has a way of making horse tummies feel better when the world gets a little scary. Today was scary, not only was mom wobbling about on her back while messed up stirrups touched her delicate tummy, it was starting to get dark. 

I asked her to pick up her head and keep moving forward, which she did delectably at first and then with gusto. Her power feels amazing underneath me and yet she remains so light in my hands with just a squishy halter and big fat lead rope for a bridle and reins. 

It felt like she was asking a lot for snacks tonight. For a moment I felt myself get discouraged. Then, clear as a bell from somewhere unimaginably far away I heard a voice “Look at what you are doing!” 

I took myself out of the moment I was in almost as though I had popped out of the saddle into a type of out of body experience. 40 years of riding experiences flashed before my eyes and I saw with perspective exactly what I was doing. I was riding my very green horse, on a loose rein, with nothing but a halter and lead rope for a bridle, down the road as it was getting dark with no stirrups. 

Suddenly I was filled with gratitude. All the work, all the preparation, all the tiny steps I had taken when I felt like I was getting nowhere had gotten me so much farther ahead than I had ever been before.

*****

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The Marathon and The Clock

 Day 19, Take 2 

October 2, 2022

Another day of body forced shut down. I tried to take it in stride but it was beautiful outside and it could be the last sunny day I see for years. My poor husband tried his very best to help me wrap my head around the fact that I had been doing so much and needed rest. 

What he didn’t understand though was how horrible it felt to know that I had done this to myself. That I know better, and still I made the decision to add more to my plate even though I was exhausted. This was as horrible as a hangover. I could quit drinking because I hated hangovers and was frustrated by how they prevented me from doing the things that I wanted to do but why can’t I pace myself and wrap my head around the mindset that life is more of a marathon instead of a sprint? 

Having started training once for a marathon I never ran. I knew that I was going to have to start slow and work myself into running. I would run from one telephone pole to the next and then walk the next set. Starting with 3 kilometers of 50/50 walk run I went out nearly every day and worked one it. While I’m sure it took weeks the way I remember it was very soon after I was running 2 telephone poles and walking one. Then 3 to 1 and the distance started getting longer too. It was only a few months I believe before I was  able to run 10 kilometers without stopping for a break to walk. 

I worked for that. I earned the ability to do that by starting slow and being gentle on myself. This is the only time in my life that I can remember starting something slowly and being gentle on myself as I slowly stretched my ability. 

Time however is not on my side these days. The days I had in time of my life where I taught myself to run I didn’t work full time. I looked after the kids and worked part time massaging horses and grooming dogs. Many of the days I was left to my own devices and had the time to run, and look after myself. 

Work these days takes 12 hours or more of my day away from me. Leaving me with 4 hours if I want 8 hours of sleep. That’s barely enough time to do chores, cook, eat dinner and shower. Let alone train a young horse, keep an old pony going, grow a garden, write, and stay fit. 

Time management is something I often think I have a handle on but from the feedback I have received at work I’m beginning to think that I have tricked myself into this belief. Time management might just be the first piece of the puzzle I need to snap into my reality if I’m going to get to enjoy my horses before they get too old, and live off my land before I retire and sell it because I got too old. 

*****

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Birthday Mashup

 Day 16, Take 2 

September 19 2022

It was my 42nd birthday, thankfully the weather was kind. There were periods of rain but for the most part the skies stayed gray without leaking too much water on us. Work was busy and I found that I had once again exceeded the limits of my abilities. Between Punkin choking over the weekend and the processing of salmon during the rest of the week on top of my already jammed pack chore schedule I was beyond exhausted. Even as I write this two day later I still have no idea how I made it through the day. 

Brent took me for lunch and we had the whole place to ourselves because they were closed. They had made a special lunch just for me. 

The meal was fantastic. Grilled halibut fresh caught by local fisherman topped with grilled corn and a variety of onions and peppers served with a delicious homemade hot sauce and the very best French fries in town. It was such a wonderful treat.

Day 17, Take 2 

September 30, 2022

Life had drained every last drop of what it could from me. I had allowed it to pick me up, wring me out like an old dish cloth and hang me out to dry. 

I had gone into my reserve energy when I helped Punkin clear her choking episode. I had continued to use what was left of that energy reserve to process our year's supply of salmon. Once again I had made choices that used up everything that I had and more. 

Guilt covered me in a cloak of self pity. I knew better. I should be working on getting the horses into the trailer. There’s so much work that needs to be done. I can’t be taking a day off to lie around. 

So many thoughts eating away at me. So many things I thought I should be doing but my body and mind needed a break. I knew more than anything I needed rest. 

In my first round I had learned to rest and learned the value of rest. The harvest came and with it the change of season. A feeling of urgency for the completion of things I have started during longer days seems to grow stronger as the days grow shorter. 

I have been told by many people most of my life that I can not do everything. Still refusing to believe that’s the truth I find comfort in the words of.another. “You can do everything”, she told me, “just not all at once”.  

Day 18, Take 2

October 1, 2022

A sharp pain pierced through the blackness of my deep sleep. The pressure behind my right eye filled my head and startled me awake. My stomach turned and I ran to the bathroom. 

Migraines are not my favorite way to be woken up. 

This is not fair! I don’t deserve this! I didn”t do anything to provoke this! I told myself all of this knowing it was all lies.

The weather decided to do its part to help keep me in rest mode. I watched the rain pour down off the roof of our sun room from my cozy nest on the couch. It was much easier not to feel guilty when my head was pounding. Focusing only what was going to help me recover from my headache I spent the day deeply resting. 

The weather broke around the same time my headache lifted. 

I wish there were more hours in a day. Things could get done so much faster if there were more hours in a day. Even if I only slept those extra hours I’m sure I could do more.

The horses went into the trailer happily today. All it took was their dinner served in their bowls in their spots in the trailer. They ate with the door closed. They went in and out and it went very smoothly. No drama. No fighting. No stress. Just nice and easy. Like they hadn’t missed a day since all those years ago when we traveled together all over the island.

Tomorrow we shall go for a little ride and visit the house where they will meet the vet. 

***** 

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Preparing To Brave The Next Flood Of Life

 Day 15 Take 2 

September 28, 2022 

I find myself getting ready to expand my horizons yet again and continue my education a little farther. This training thankfully is a short training and should expand me a fair bit in a short period of time. 

Getting prepared to brave the next flood of life involves finding a photo of myself and writing an introduction. The introduction is not the problem. The photo on the other hand is a bit of a challenge. 

I’m not a fan of photographing humans and I’m not an exception. I do keep photographs of my favorite humans for the sake of memories. The honest stories told by the faces of children are a pleasure to photograph but when it comes to posing for a camera, especially my own I find it utterly ridiculous. This is why many of the pictures of me involve such props as excessive glitter, flying pics onesies, goofy safety glasses, rainbow mermaid pants or my person favorite excessive amounts of dirt. 

In the process of finding a suitable picture to go with the story I will be telling in my introduction I had to flip through a few years of pictures. To my amazement I had taken some before pictures from before I gave up all those times ago. The amount in which my body has changed since I have embraced a rest based lifestyle is amazing. I have been missing my rest based lifestyle and 15 minute workouts those days.

Making the commitment to get fitter and fix my diet has made a world of difference. It’s been at least 4 years since I could even dream about being capable of doing the things I’m doing now.

18 hours a day I’ve been working for 15 days now. Yesterday I did not sit between the hours of 5:15 pm and midnight. Coming home tonight I jumped in my truck and trailer and like I hadn’t missed a day in the past two years I backed that truck and trailer right up the driveway and to the air compressor to pump up the one flat tire. 

The rust had eaten away at so many of the non essential elements of the trailer. The fenders are in rough shape and this made me check the frame once again. 

It’s still good. This up and coming vet appointment is raising my cortisol levels more than I care to admit. 

Tire was pumped up and ready to roll. Fresh shaving and a hay net placed into the trailer ready for to provide road trip snacks. 

I grabbed Tonka and put him in the trailer. He was a little antsy but he’s a good enough boy to tie so I left him tied and went off to get Punky.. We got two feet in today. 

The smell of smoking salmon filled the air. There was fish to process. Tomorrow is a new day and I will take my tiny win. 

*** Photo Credit Kim Madore on my first ever ride to the Psuada shipwreck. Kim, if your're reading this thank you for taking the picture I will be using in the training intro I have to submit tonight. 

*****

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Taking Out The Trailer

 Day 14 Take 2 

September 27 2022 

The driveway is unusually steep and windy and the large canyon like grooves that appear from the force of the winter rains makes it that much more difficult. 

It was over a year and a half since I had hooked up the truck to my horse trailer. I’ve been dreading this moment, worried deep down inside that my ability to drive the rig was dissolving as fast as the rust was taking over. 

I looked at the trailer everyday with guilt as I watched helplessly while the rust spread like a plague on its steel. 

How many times had I given directions to people and told them they would know when they got to my house because you’ll see the unloved looking horse trailer part way up the driveway. 

I love my trailer. She’s never let me down and I’ve put her through a lot. I put the old farm truck, who was also looking a little worse for wear, in 4 wheel drive and slowly began to back the truck and trailer up the steep and winding driveway. Thankfully my trailer driving skills were not nearly as rusty as the rig. 

The first corner is a bit of a doozy and that’s where I decided I would stop. Taking the bottom half of the walk up and down with tools and supplies was good enough for me. 

Every year every horse trailer owning horsey woman pulls out her trailer and does her due diligence. First the shavings are scraped out then the matts removed to expose the naked floor. Thankfully the floor was in mostly good shape with only one small space needing to be addressed this year. 

Next the walls are smacked with a hammer or other big thing that makes holes. The idea is to make sure that no matter our pissed off our equine babies are that they can kick and scream all they like and they’re not going to kick right through hurting their poor little legs. Not to mention stripping off their tendons or getting a nasty slice that will certainly require a tetanus shot if they’re close to due. The walls like the floor were sound enough for the up and coming trip to the vet. 

The frame was next on my list and just my luck both days I had planned to do this the weather was good. Life however has a nasty habit of ruining everything as soon as I write down my plan. In the future I will remember to scheme in silence so the future doesn't know what I have in store for it.

The first I planned to hook up the trailer was the day that Punkin choked. The next was yesterday but the fish people came and we processed salmon instead. So here I was outside in the rain crawling under my rust bucket praying to every god, spirit and imp that would listen that the frame is still safe. 

Rest never sleeps. My dad taught this to me through his love of music as a child and not a day has gone by in the past year that I haven’t looked at the unloved looking horse trailer and thought about how simple the truth can be. Rust never sleeps but maybe if I can find my balance of energy out and rest in and keep a tight rein on my finances I can out work the rust this winter and pimp my horses ride. It shouldn't be too tough because the frame is still in good shape. 

*****

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Smokies First Salmon Run

 Day 12, Take 2 

September 25 , 2022

It was a day of rest and reflections. Tucked up on the couch Bandit, one of our 10 month old tabby kittens, kept me on the couch and made sure I rested. 

I thought about priorities and how often I forget to put myself on that list. Thinking only of what I need to get done to make myself happy with my accomplishments. 

Without a strong and healthy body however I won’t be able to keep up with the challenges of keeping my mind happy.

Day 13, Take 2 

September 26, 2022 

The morning started off feeling like I needed a lot more time in bed.

Packing the horses buckets out to their shelters my arms grew weaker and began the familiar burn of what I’ve been calling my “muscle reaction” for lack of a better word. 

How does one go from so strong to so weak overnight?! 

Then I remembered I had been experimenting with plant proteins again and that also seems to land me in this position. Maybe one day I’ll learn…. 

The fish people came today and left us with 15, ten pound coho salmon. There went my nice easy evening. 

The fish came fresh from the Yakoun River, a few kilometers from the house. 

Salmon is a staple in the pantry, the culture and the life cycle or many parts of the Pacific NorthWest. The ritual of the salmon spawn feels so incredibly natural and right here on Haida Gwaii with it’s rugged wild nature. It just is a part of life, it brings life to the shores of our communities and through the death of the salmon everyone is fed. The bears, the eagle, the sea lions, the orca (killer whales) the crab, the soil and yes the humans too. 

Today was Smokies best day ever. She watched in complete amazement as Brent and I processed our years worth of fish. The whole 2 hours of butchering she watched, hypnotized by the process of us processing food. Food she thought was extra special. 

I cleaned up the kitchen and she was right there helping. Watching every jar get packed, every bag marinated for the smoker and every vacuum sealed filet go into the freezer.

*****

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Punkin Chokes

 Day 11 Take 2 

September 24, 2022 

The blankets were warm and cozy and I could have stayed in bed all day.That should have been my first warning. I should have stayed in bed. 

The sky was gray but dry and I knew that I could multitask if I only had one fire. I decided to start the easy fire. 

First I put some hay into the bottom field for the horse with the intention of keeping them out of the smoke. 

I put the sticks that had burnt last time onto the fire and set up my fire shatter kit like I have been doing up until now. Finding dry enough wood to get the fire started was getting more and more difficult but I wasn't going to let it beat me. Not today. 

Nearly an hour later I resorted to starting a grease fire to get my yard clean up done. It was working but it needed to be thoroughly tended.It was now taking too much time and resources to justify burning. This would be my last one this year. 

Tonka decided that he didn't want to be fed in the bottom field this morning and broke into the garden to eat. Punkin was so upset that she couldn't get into the garden too that sen refused to go to the bottom field to eat. 

I finally took pity on her and brought some hay into her shelter so she could at least snack while she miserably watched her pony get all the good stuff. 

The fire was well on its way to being hot enough to load up and leave for a bit so I could start working on getting the rig set up. 

Punkin came running out of her shelter desperately trying to get something out of her mouth and trying to nibble teeny pieces of gras, which she promptly spat out. 

I watched in horror, terrified she had just eaten a fish hook. How would she have eaten a fish hook? There is no fish hook. That’s just your imagination. 

She sorted herself and went back to eating. 

Roughly 5 minutes later she came out of her shelter and flipped her top lip up at me. The colic face. 

“You’re not colicing”  I said. She flipped up her lip and looked at me desperately for help. Dropping everything I went over to her and took one look at her contracted abdomen. It flinched when I touched it and her lip flipped up again. 

Immediately the colic protocol went into action. I grabbed the happy tummy paste, made the special mash and ran out of the bar with the lunge line in my hand. 

First I pried her mouth open to make sure there wasn’t a fish hook. As I already knew there was no fish hook. My imagination could stop that now. 

She didn’t want the happy tummy paste. Normally she likes it but I made her eat it anyway. This colic seemed worse than the last one. 

Her lip flipped up and this time her shoulder shook, the muscle tissues twitching uncontrollably. Ahhhh seizure!! It wasn’t a seizure. I knew better. Lip flipped up again. 

“Oh my goodness you’re not colicing you’re choking aren’t you!” I said out loud to her as I rubbed her neck. Using everything I know about equine anatomy and the esophagus in general imagined a lump and worked the tissues of her throat to help the process of swallowing. It seemed to be helping. 

Punkin had choked on me once before as a yearling. Her and Tonka were racing to gobble the food and they both choked. Tonka cleared his and Punkin needed the vet. There was no vet today, just me, and we were going to have to get through this together. 

“You and me we're going to move through this together” I told her. “We’re just going to keep moving forward.” 

4 Kilometers and two hours later she nibbled some grass and had the tiniest sip of a puddle. Soon after she was nibbling the rain soak grass which quickly turned into grazing. I gave her the space to eat enough to make her feel better and we took our time. 

With Punkin on the mend and feeling much better I went back into the house I had melted down. I snuggled up on my couch and buried myself under a mountain of blankets where I hid until the world in my head was a little kinder and my body could handle the pressure of movement once again. I had worked so hard all week there was no energy left to handle this emergency but I did now there was nothing left.

******

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