The Yellow Flowers and The Listless Vine

November 18 2022 

The Yellow Flowers And The Listless Vine 

I watched the steam twist and turn as it rose into the dimly lit room. The tomato plants in all stages of late life sat on the shelves beside me. One vine hanging from the ceiling, its leaves sagging listlessly, still carrying green and orange tomatoes. Another one has fresh shoots coming up from its original stem. Fresh yellow flowers bloom as if in protest of the season’s change. 

The ice that covered the world in whimsical works of frosted art this morning, a sure that winter is quite literally on the doorstep. 

All summer I had dreamed of being like the tomato that bloomed more flowers, somehow coming up with the strength and energy to fight the darkening days. I had to fight to find that energy in the summer when the days were warm and dry. 

I moved my foot to cover one of the overpowered jets and used it as a foot massager. Brent had put the pump from a much larger hot tub into this one when we salvaged it. This wonderful accidental upgrade happened solely because we did what we could with what we had at the time. 

I relaxed a little deeper, and stretched out a little more. It felt just like having a chance to star fish on the bed for those brief moments in the morning when the bed comes all mine. I star fished as I sank to the bottom of the tub. Covering my whole body, the whirling of the bubbles from the force of the jetted water dancing around me in flurry of warmth. The steam rising into the air around me. 

I thought about how great my body felt despite the chaos of the day. I have never been touched in the psoas before so even the knowing hands of a very skilled bodyworker touching the depth of my core was a very strange thing. To have that muscles fascia manually manipulated was a whole other inner body experience. I stretched out my torso and reflected on the limber feeling that now filled the middle of my once awkward feeling body. 

“You look taller” I heard twice today. I felt taller and flatter. I could feel parts of my body that I thought had left me for good 23 years ago when I had my first born. 

1.5 inches off my waist I had lost since last I looked. Now I wish I had payed a little more attention to those measurements as well instead of just the ones on the scale. 

I took a deep breath in and felt my ribs move freely. It was a good feeling to be able to breathe with less restriction. Now I fully understand why the horses I worked on for years loved me the way they did.

Another deep breath in and I switched feet. The yellow flower of the rebellious tomato plant caught my eye again. 

I set myself unrealistic expectations I have been told over, and over, and over again. I expect myself to do more than I really can. The odd thing is however that I can do more but not every day. Making those expectations not so unrealistic. There are these amazing days when the moon and the stars line up and I can focus on anything I choose and I have the energy to sustain me and my crazy ambitions all day as long as I want. The SPLAT!! I’m back to high functioning hot mess barely holding it together chasing the fairy tale of that perfect day. 

I wonder if the yellow flower is chasing the fairy tale of the perfect day or if she’s mastered the art of slowly moving forward with the tools she has. 

Another deep breath as I adjust my star fish position to find a new jet to massage my back. What a year this has been. So many of the things I managed to do I did with the ebb and flow of reality. Not everything I accomplished happened on one of those fairytale days. In fact it was quite the opposite. 

A flood of relief washed over me. I had managed to feel good enough to get through school, grow a bit of food, start Punink Pie under saddle and find my voice as a writer. There were days that set me back more days than I moved forward, but here I was on the 18th of November looking through the steam coming from a hot tub that took us four years to finally salvage, in the sunroom that Brent built for me when we first moved here at a flower growing when it shouldn’t be on a plant we started from seed. 

A deep breath out. Everything will happen when it happens. Not all days will be fairytales, but all days will lead to the future. And the future is starting to look pretty good now that I’m learning how to work with myself more kindly on the days that aren’t. I might not have the energy to bloom like I did all summer but I’m still quite happily ripening my fruit like the listless tomato plant hanging from the roof. 

As Simple As A Sandwich

November 16, 2022 

I slept until noon haunted by delirious dreams. There were strange realities and different realms of confusion. It was the strangest sleep I have had. As if I were having fever dreams without the fever. 

So covered in cat, I spent my day drinking things that help me feel better. Hoping to be rid of whatever is causing my weird ears and yuckiness. Thankfully my heel healed beautifully overnight by the end of the day I was walking without problems. 

By late afternoon I was finally ready to eat something. The gluten free flatbreads in the freezer that I save for moments when I'm in need of comfort food were a good choice for today. With a diagonal cut I separated the halves of the bread. Triangles being more fun to eat than rectangles. Spreading a thin layer of mystery pesto a dear friend of mine had just gifted me from the bounty of her summer's labor I started thinking about the food that I was about to eat. The green peppers plants that bore the fruit of the pepper I was now slicing are upstairs in the bathroom producing more fruit in our jungle of goodness. The tomatoes that bore the fruit I was putting next on my sandwich are growing next to them in the same bathroom jungle. The onion was a store bought one, and they made me sad that the tiny onions we did manage to grow in the garden weren’t here to be a part of my sandwich. 

The coho bits were left over from last night’s dinner. The coho that swam up the inlet, past our house to the old horse pasture, where it was caught and brought to us for nourishment. All parts we won't eat buried and nourishing the garden outside the front door. It melted beautifully into the tiny bits of goat mozza I have as a treat occasionally. 

A thick layer of fresh alfalfa and clover sprouts shrunk and softened as I heated the sandwich into a pile of homegrown goodness. 

Bread, cheese and onions. The only parts of the sandwich paid for by time sold to someone else. 

I thought about what has had to happen over the years for this sandwich. All the failures, and successes. The sweat, the tears, the mud, so many nights when all I wanted to do was give up because after all can’t we just buy food from the groceries store? 

In our case, no. The food is unreliable. The ferry gets canceled. The shelves go bare. That’s not why we grow our own food but it certainly makes it easier not to quit when it’s rained for two years and the puddles in the garden are taller than my boots. 

The sandwich that now so seems simple separated from all the complications of seven years worth of strife. 

I bite into it. The perfect flavor and crunch. The perfect comfort of hot melty goodness for a day spent on the couch covered in floppy cat. With my belly full of hopes and dreams I allowed myself to find even more inspiration in my food. 

The seeds for the 2023 garden came in the mail today, along with the first of the mushroom kits. Golden oyster mushrooms. I can hardly wait. 

After reading the instructions twice and carefully sterilizing everything I cut the X in the bag provided. The rich substrate made of sterilized hard wood chips and organic wheat bran smelled of the most delicious nutritious soil. Brent and I were both excited to see the white webbing of mycelium woven into the dark substance forming the symbiotic relationship fungus is famous for. 

I misted the small humidity tent and tucked it into the perfect spot in the bathroom jungle where it will have just the right amount of light and just the right amount of heat. 

Pea shoots are one of the only DOA rich foods and I found them to be one of the more helpful things for my strange histamine issues. The are however $7 or more a handful. That’s 20 minutes of my work day’s wages, not to mention that every handful comes in a very hard to reuse plastic container. So every handful of pea shoots that make my skin feel better for a day put a sizable bite in my paycheck and adds to my garbage guilt. 

So for one and a half hours worth of my time at work I bought 5 lbs of pea shoot seed in a reusable bag and this winter I’m going to get just as good at pea shoots as I am alfalfa sprouts. One species of plant and one method at a time I will figure out how I can grow my food. And if I’m patient with myself and find ways it will work for me then it can be as simple as a sandwich and I’ll get to spend more time snuggling my cats or riding my horses. 

The Curse Of The Long Legs

November 15, 2022 

While I might be one of the shorter people in my family I was still gifted the long legs. Long legs that come with an incredibly long gait. If I were a horse I would be a Tennessee Walking Horse because my walk covers a lot of ground very quickly. 

Having stayed home from work today on account of a weird ear issue I spent the morning trying to get my inner acoustical bits to balance out. 

After a great deal of snot what expelled my ears started to sound a little more like they’re supposed to. Feeling a little bit on the mend I thought I would go grab a couple bays of hay. 

I loaded the hay onto the hay cart and began pulling it towards the truck. First I stepped with my left foot, soaking in how wonderful my body was starting to feel.  Just in this moment I was finally felt a little better. 

For my functional fitness time this morning I chose the hula hoop. My ribs were feeling loose and limber, my shoulders free, my spine undulating as it was intended to do. My ears were clear, I could breathe through my nose and my head didn’t hurt. 

I’ve been working so hard for over a year now to make the changes I need to feel good. And in this moment I felt good. I felt relieved that I finally had a breakthrough. 

Then I stepped with my right foot. Pain shot up my leg and deep into my foot. Thick searing pain that stole the breath from my lungs.

My heels have been crushed by the misplaced hooves of many horses over my 30 years of equine experiences. None of that pain even came close to the pain that the edge of this steel cart had just inflicted. 

I gasped and did the Holy Crap That REALLY Hurt Face. Then tried to take another step. NOPE. 

I stood there, breathing it out for what seemed like an eternity, glancing around to make sure that no one saw my ridiculous injury.

I managed to load the feed while hobbling. I drove down the road, the mist wrapping itself around the shores of the Pacific Ocean, hiding the beaches in a beautiful fog. It was truly majestic and I would have loved to stop and take more pictures but my entire leg was throbbing with pain. 

I always forget how much pain sucks the life out of everything, I wanted to go to bed and feel sorry for myself but instead I put my foot up on some ice and set about my writing. At the moment it’s frozen and the pretty colors have started. Tomorrow’s a new day and just in case I have started to think about ways to move my body without putting weight on my feet for tomorrow's functional fitness time. 

The Taste Of Optimism

 November 14 2022,

I started my workouts again today. I wish I could say that I felt amazing and that my body was in the same shape Ieft it in. That is however not the case.

The short 15 minute work out that I half assed to say the least left me sore and tired and feeling as though I had worked out, which is I suppose the point of the whole affair. There was some sweat but not nearly as much as I sweat when I’m right into my workouts. Today was more of a fight through the awkwardness in hopes of recovering some grace in my movement sometime in the near future.

This tiny little workout has left me tired all day. You know what that means? It means I should have gotten back on the fitness horse much sooner.

There’s a nifty little lie I tell myself about how fit I can stay doing my chores and working my horses. Firstly the days are too short for decent fitness to come from outdoor work and play and the part about how my workouts work muscles I don’t work in life activities which in the end means my chances of getting hurt playing outside are minimized because of the time I spent focusing on the neglected parts of me. And if that wasn't enough on its own my doctor reminded me today that physical activity is very helpful in treating ADHD, and I know she’s right.

It’s not easy though. Especially in the beggining. And I hate to admit it but the discipline involved seems to be a little harder to come by these days. It makes me wonder if I use up my brains ability to be self disciplined at work. It could be just the season too. After all, it is the time of year that wraps you up in the comfort of darkness and makes sleep and rest so easy. This is the time of year I wish I was a wild human.

The garden is what really keeps me going right now. It’s something I can plan while the days are dark and cold and windy. The sprouts on the counter are turning green and providing us with food despite the days getting shorter and the rain getting colder. The little bits of green food sprouting the flavor of optimism right on the kitchen counter.

A Voice From Beyond - Punkin's 6th Ride

 Day 3 Take 3 

October 25, 2022 

I decided to try something new with my stirrups and my pathetic attempt at twisting my fenders was nothing short of a mess.

We lunged first in the driest patch of the driveway. My visions of working on the property all winter had dissolved when the dry sandy ground turned to slick mud. Eventually the footing will come but it’s not here now and waiting for things to be perfect only means I’m cheating myself out of one more ride with what will be my last horse. 

I tacked Punkin Pie up complete with front and rear reflectors, plus reflectors on all for legs. My torso was covered with a reflective vest and my helmet was equipped with a fully charged GoPro as well as front and rear facing lights. With only 12 more days left until the dreaded daylight savings time begins, getting the “Christmas Tree Costume” in place is going to be a saving grace when our rides start and end in the dark. 

We lunged for a bit first, and in hindsight probably not long enough.

Tying my 14 foot natural horsemanship lead line into a set of reins on her cushy padded halter, I took her over to the mounting block. She was fidgety and not altogether sure if today this whole mom on top thing was a good idea. 

The mess of stirrups was way too much of a mess to use. I couldn't even get my feet into them, probably because on top of the mess I had made I had also made them too long. 

I thought about getting off. She was hot. Really hot. Still responsive and soft in my hands but it was definitely time to take my 14.2 hand high fire breathing dragon out for some exercise. Screw the stirrups.

Remembering how my tight thighs had rubbed her during one of our last rides I focused on relaxing my inner thighs, stretching down through my legs and holding with my lower pelvic muscles. I sat up straight and relaxed my shoulders so as not to put any undesirable pressure on my very green horse. 

I managed to talk the dead feeling spot in my pelvic floor into engaging. I couldn't feel a thing but suddenly I was stable. 

Punkin on the other hand wasn’t too sure about all this and really needed some grass to calm her tummy. Grass, especially the fiber rich not-so-sweet grass that grows on Haida Gwaii, has a way of making horse tummies feel better when the world gets a little scary. Today was scary, not only was mom wobbling about on her back while messed up stirrups touched her delicate tummy, it was starting to get dark. 

I asked her to pick up her head and keep moving forward, which she did delectably at first and then with gusto. Her power feels amazing underneath me and yet she remains so light in my hands with just a squishy halter and big fat lead rope for a bridle and reins. 

It felt like she was asking a lot for snacks tonight. For a moment I felt myself get discouraged. Then, clear as a bell from somewhere unimaginably far away I heard a voice “Look at what you are doing!” 

I took myself out of the moment I was in almost as though I had popped out of the saddle into a type of out of body experience. 40 years of riding experiences flashed before my eyes and I saw with perspective exactly what I was doing. I was riding my very green horse, on a loose rein, with nothing but a halter and lead rope for a bridle, down the road as it was getting dark with no stirrups. 

Suddenly I was filled with gratitude. All the work, all the preparation, all the tiny steps I had taken when I felt like I was getting nowhere had gotten me so much farther ahead than I had ever been before.

*****

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The Marathon and The Clock

 Day 19, Take 2 

October 2, 2022

Another day of body forced shut down. I tried to take it in stride but it was beautiful outside and it could be the last sunny day I see for years. My poor husband tried his very best to help me wrap my head around the fact that I had been doing so much and needed rest. 

What he didn’t understand though was how horrible it felt to know that I had done this to myself. That I know better, and still I made the decision to add more to my plate even though I was exhausted. This was as horrible as a hangover. I could quit drinking because I hated hangovers and was frustrated by how they prevented me from doing the things that I wanted to do but why can’t I pace myself and wrap my head around the mindset that life is more of a marathon instead of a sprint? 

Having started training once for a marathon I never ran. I knew that I was going to have to start slow and work myself into running. I would run from one telephone pole to the next and then walk the next set. Starting with 3 kilometers of 50/50 walk run I went out nearly every day and worked one it. While I’m sure it took weeks the way I remember it was very soon after I was running 2 telephone poles and walking one. Then 3 to 1 and the distance started getting longer too. It was only a few months I believe before I was  able to run 10 kilometers without stopping for a break to walk. 

I worked for that. I earned the ability to do that by starting slow and being gentle on myself. This is the only time in my life that I can remember starting something slowly and being gentle on myself as I slowly stretched my ability. 

Time however is not on my side these days. The days I had in time of my life where I taught myself to run I didn’t work full time. I looked after the kids and worked part time massaging horses and grooming dogs. Many of the days I was left to my own devices and had the time to run, and look after myself. 

Work these days takes 12 hours or more of my day away from me. Leaving me with 4 hours if I want 8 hours of sleep. That’s barely enough time to do chores, cook, eat dinner and shower. Let alone train a young horse, keep an old pony going, grow a garden, write, and stay fit. 

Time management is something I often think I have a handle on but from the feedback I have received at work I’m beginning to think that I have tricked myself into this belief. Time management might just be the first piece of the puzzle I need to snap into my reality if I’m going to get to enjoy my horses before they get too old, and live off my land before I retire and sell it because I got too old. 

*****

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Birthday Mashup

 Day 16, Take 2 

September 19 2022

It was my 42nd birthday, thankfully the weather was kind. There were periods of rain but for the most part the skies stayed gray without leaking too much water on us. Work was busy and I found that I had once again exceeded the limits of my abilities. Between Punkin choking over the weekend and the processing of salmon during the rest of the week on top of my already jammed pack chore schedule I was beyond exhausted. Even as I write this two day later I still have no idea how I made it through the day. 

Brent took me for lunch and we had the whole place to ourselves because they were closed. They had made a special lunch just for me. 

The meal was fantastic. Grilled halibut fresh caught by local fisherman topped with grilled corn and a variety of onions and peppers served with a delicious homemade hot sauce and the very best French fries in town. It was such a wonderful treat.

Day 17, Take 2 

September 30, 2022

Life had drained every last drop of what it could from me. I had allowed it to pick me up, wring me out like an old dish cloth and hang me out to dry. 

I had gone into my reserve energy when I helped Punkin clear her choking episode. I had continued to use what was left of that energy reserve to process our year's supply of salmon. Once again I had made choices that used up everything that I had and more. 

Guilt covered me in a cloak of self pity. I knew better. I should be working on getting the horses into the trailer. There’s so much work that needs to be done. I can’t be taking a day off to lie around. 

So many thoughts eating away at me. So many things I thought I should be doing but my body and mind needed a break. I knew more than anything I needed rest. 

In my first round I had learned to rest and learned the value of rest. The harvest came and with it the change of season. A feeling of urgency for the completion of things I have started during longer days seems to grow stronger as the days grow shorter. 

I have been told by many people most of my life that I can not do everything. Still refusing to believe that’s the truth I find comfort in the words of.another. “You can do everything”, she told me, “just not all at once”.  

Day 18, Take 2

October 1, 2022

A sharp pain pierced through the blackness of my deep sleep. The pressure behind my right eye filled my head and startled me awake. My stomach turned and I ran to the bathroom. 

Migraines are not my favorite way to be woken up. 

This is not fair! I don’t deserve this! I didn”t do anything to provoke this! I told myself all of this knowing it was all lies.

The weather decided to do its part to help keep me in rest mode. I watched the rain pour down off the roof of our sun room from my cozy nest on the couch. It was much easier not to feel guilty when my head was pounding. Focusing only what was going to help me recover from my headache I spent the day deeply resting. 

The weather broke around the same time my headache lifted. 

I wish there were more hours in a day. Things could get done so much faster if there were more hours in a day. Even if I only slept those extra hours I’m sure I could do more.

The horses went into the trailer happily today. All it took was their dinner served in their bowls in their spots in the trailer. They ate with the door closed. They went in and out and it went very smoothly. No drama. No fighting. No stress. Just nice and easy. Like they hadn’t missed a day since all those years ago when we traveled together all over the island.

Tomorrow we shall go for a little ride and visit the house where they will meet the vet. 

***** 

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