A Voice From Beyond - Punkin's 6th Ride

 Day 3 Take 3 

October 25, 2022 

I decided to try something new with my stirrups and my pathetic attempt at twisting my fenders was nothing short of a mess.

We lunged first in the driest patch of the driveway. My visions of working on the property all winter had dissolved when the dry sandy ground turned to slick mud. Eventually the footing will come but it’s not here now and waiting for things to be perfect only means I’m cheating myself out of one more ride with what will be my last horse. 

I tacked Punkin Pie up complete with front and rear reflectors, plus reflectors on all for legs. My torso was covered with a reflective vest and my helmet was equipped with a fully charged GoPro as well as front and rear facing lights. With only 12 more days left until the dreaded daylight savings time begins, getting the “Christmas Tree Costume” in place is going to be a saving grace when our rides start and end in the dark. 

We lunged for a bit first, and in hindsight probably not long enough.

Tying my 14 foot natural horsemanship lead line into a set of reins on her cushy padded halter, I took her over to the mounting block. She was fidgety and not altogether sure if today this whole mom on top thing was a good idea. 

The mess of stirrups was way too much of a mess to use. I couldn't even get my feet into them, probably because on top of the mess I had made I had also made them too long. 

I thought about getting off. She was hot. Really hot. Still responsive and soft in my hands but it was definitely time to take my 14.2 hand high fire breathing dragon out for some exercise. Screw the stirrups.

Remembering how my tight thighs had rubbed her during one of our last rides I focused on relaxing my inner thighs, stretching down through my legs and holding with my lower pelvic muscles. I sat up straight and relaxed my shoulders so as not to put any undesirable pressure on my very green horse. 

I managed to talk the dead feeling spot in my pelvic floor into engaging. I couldn't feel a thing but suddenly I was stable. 

Punkin on the other hand wasn’t too sure about all this and really needed some grass to calm her tummy. Grass, especially the fiber rich not-so-sweet grass that grows on Haida Gwaii, has a way of making horse tummies feel better when the world gets a little scary. Today was scary, not only was mom wobbling about on her back while messed up stirrups touched her delicate tummy, it was starting to get dark. 

I asked her to pick up her head and keep moving forward, which she did delectably at first and then with gusto. Her power feels amazing underneath me and yet she remains so light in my hands with just a squishy halter and big fat lead rope for a bridle and reins. 

It felt like she was asking a lot for snacks tonight. For a moment I felt myself get discouraged. Then, clear as a bell from somewhere unimaginably far away I heard a voice “Look at what you are doing!” 

I took myself out of the moment I was in almost as though I had popped out of the saddle into a type of out of body experience. 40 years of riding experiences flashed before my eyes and I saw with perspective exactly what I was doing. I was riding my very green horse, on a loose rein, with nothing but a halter and lead rope for a bridle, down the road as it was getting dark with no stirrups. 

Suddenly I was filled with gratitude. All the work, all the preparation, all the tiny steps I had taken when I felt like I was getting nowhere had gotten me so much farther ahead than I had ever been before.

*****

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The Marathon and The Clock

 Day 19, Take 2 

October 2, 2022

Another day of body forced shut down. I tried to take it in stride but it was beautiful outside and it could be the last sunny day I see for years. My poor husband tried his very best to help me wrap my head around the fact that I had been doing so much and needed rest. 

What he didn’t understand though was how horrible it felt to know that I had done this to myself. That I know better, and still I made the decision to add more to my plate even though I was exhausted. This was as horrible as a hangover. I could quit drinking because I hated hangovers and was frustrated by how they prevented me from doing the things that I wanted to do but why can’t I pace myself and wrap my head around the mindset that life is more of a marathon instead of a sprint? 

Having started training once for a marathon I never ran. I knew that I was going to have to start slow and work myself into running. I would run from one telephone pole to the next and then walk the next set. Starting with 3 kilometers of 50/50 walk run I went out nearly every day and worked one it. While I’m sure it took weeks the way I remember it was very soon after I was running 2 telephone poles and walking one. Then 3 to 1 and the distance started getting longer too. It was only a few months I believe before I was  able to run 10 kilometers without stopping for a break to walk. 

I worked for that. I earned the ability to do that by starting slow and being gentle on myself. This is the only time in my life that I can remember starting something slowly and being gentle on myself as I slowly stretched my ability. 

Time however is not on my side these days. The days I had in time of my life where I taught myself to run I didn’t work full time. I looked after the kids and worked part time massaging horses and grooming dogs. Many of the days I was left to my own devices and had the time to run, and look after myself. 

Work these days takes 12 hours or more of my day away from me. Leaving me with 4 hours if I want 8 hours of sleep. That’s barely enough time to do chores, cook, eat dinner and shower. Let alone train a young horse, keep an old pony going, grow a garden, write, and stay fit. 

Time management is something I often think I have a handle on but from the feedback I have received at work I’m beginning to think that I have tricked myself into this belief. Time management might just be the first piece of the puzzle I need to snap into my reality if I’m going to get to enjoy my horses before they get too old, and live off my land before I retire and sell it because I got too old. 

*****

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Birthday Mashup

 Day 16, Take 2 

September 19 2022

It was my 42nd birthday, thankfully the weather was kind. There were periods of rain but for the most part the skies stayed gray without leaking too much water on us. Work was busy and I found that I had once again exceeded the limits of my abilities. Between Punkin choking over the weekend and the processing of salmon during the rest of the week on top of my already jammed pack chore schedule I was beyond exhausted. Even as I write this two day later I still have no idea how I made it through the day. 

Brent took me for lunch and we had the whole place to ourselves because they were closed. They had made a special lunch just for me. 

The meal was fantastic. Grilled halibut fresh caught by local fisherman topped with grilled corn and a variety of onions and peppers served with a delicious homemade hot sauce and the very best French fries in town. It was such a wonderful treat.

Day 17, Take 2 

September 30, 2022

Life had drained every last drop of what it could from me. I had allowed it to pick me up, wring me out like an old dish cloth and hang me out to dry. 

I had gone into my reserve energy when I helped Punkin clear her choking episode. I had continued to use what was left of that energy reserve to process our year's supply of salmon. Once again I had made choices that used up everything that I had and more. 

Guilt covered me in a cloak of self pity. I knew better. I should be working on getting the horses into the trailer. There’s so much work that needs to be done. I can’t be taking a day off to lie around. 

So many thoughts eating away at me. So many things I thought I should be doing but my body and mind needed a break. I knew more than anything I needed rest. 

In my first round I had learned to rest and learned the value of rest. The harvest came and with it the change of season. A feeling of urgency for the completion of things I have started during longer days seems to grow stronger as the days grow shorter. 

I have been told by many people most of my life that I can not do everything. Still refusing to believe that’s the truth I find comfort in the words of.another. “You can do everything”, she told me, “just not all at once”.  

Day 18, Take 2

October 1, 2022

A sharp pain pierced through the blackness of my deep sleep. The pressure behind my right eye filled my head and startled me awake. My stomach turned and I ran to the bathroom. 

Migraines are not my favorite way to be woken up. 

This is not fair! I don’t deserve this! I didn”t do anything to provoke this! I told myself all of this knowing it was all lies.

The weather decided to do its part to help keep me in rest mode. I watched the rain pour down off the roof of our sun room from my cozy nest on the couch. It was much easier not to feel guilty when my head was pounding. Focusing only what was going to help me recover from my headache I spent the day deeply resting. 

The weather broke around the same time my headache lifted. 

I wish there were more hours in a day. Things could get done so much faster if there were more hours in a day. Even if I only slept those extra hours I’m sure I could do more.

The horses went into the trailer happily today. All it took was their dinner served in their bowls in their spots in the trailer. They ate with the door closed. They went in and out and it went very smoothly. No drama. No fighting. No stress. Just nice and easy. Like they hadn’t missed a day since all those years ago when we traveled together all over the island.

Tomorrow we shall go for a little ride and visit the house where they will meet the vet. 

***** 

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