The Twisted Road of Time - A tale about ADHD

 Day 8 Take 2 

September 21, 2022

The alarm went off at 6:00 am just like it does every weekday, but for some reason I couldn't figure out what that sound was. Finally I realized it was the alarm and I had to wake. The morning right from the start had happened to me instead of with me, as if I had fallen off the horse of time and was being dragged by my foot in the saddle kicking and screaming all the way into the day. 

It wasn't until recently that I found much pleasure in the drive from Port Clements to Masset. The winding road is a corridor through the forest from the edge of the small mountains that Port Clements rests in, and the Pacific Ocean where Masset lives on its shores.

In part of the tree corridor there was an almost white mist that hung in a thin layer over tops of trees. As if I giant spider had woven a web in tall trees like it was grass and dew had collected on it over night now catching the morning sun. 

I thought about how big the spider would have to be to weave a web in the trees that are taller than most buildings on our island. Then I was thankful that there are no such spiders and that this was a mist and not a web. 

The twisting of the road continued, all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. I was terrible company this morning and wished I could have been a little more human for my husband this morning, after all it was his birthday.

The new patch of mist wove its way around the tree tops. Loosely ambling around the forest canopy. It caressed the top of the hill as we climbed into it. And just like we drove in, we drove out to another section of blue sky. 

I stared vacantly out the window, hoping that I will wake up and function before it was tie to go home for work. I had been able to get my brain working by about 9:00 am before leaving for holidays. Now it wasn’t ready to do anything until 7pm. I had been left in the wild of my imagination for over 2 weeks and came back rather useless. My nocturnal nature had taken over and ruined the year of hard work I put into being in a normal routine successfully. Hopefully it won’t take too long to get control of the wild nocturnal creature I would like to be and return myself to the mostly high functioning hot mess I need to be. 

The structure of work is good for my brain. 

A big struggle I have always faced with ADHD is the hyperfixation. Getting lost in everything, lying to myself about my control of time. That’s a funny thing about time. We can not control it, it is not an idea, it's an absolute law. A law that does not bend no matter how hard I try. 

The day was beautiful again, keeping the unburnt brush in my back yard nice and dry.  Knowing that I only had a small amount of time to get some land care done tonight I locked the horses in the bottom pasture. Cross fencing is such a wonderful tool. 

Having learned the secret recipe for burning Haida Gwaii wood I quickly set to work building two fires this time so that I wouldn't have to sticks across an acre saving me time. 

At first I felt guilty for not working the horses or working out again.Having a good deep think about what I was going to be doing with the land once the ground was accessible quickly cleared that. I envisioned myself and Punkin riding the various drops and corners through the forest, admiring the stunning sunsets while we played in our little backyard paradise. I daydreamed about finally having a space big enough to drive Tonka in saving his poor old legs from more miles on the pavement. 

It occurred to me tonight that making my dreams come true wasn't just about making quality space for the horses in my schedule and energy output but for making a quality space to enjoy that time spent with them as well. 

I set my timer and worked as hard as I could, clearing as much as I could for an hour, allowing me the time to go back inside and nurture the relationship with my favorite human on his birthday. And surprisingly more got done in one hour tonight than in several last night. Working with the laws of time had worked in my favor. 

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