Day 7, Take 2
September 20, 2022
Still feeling a little out of sorts with my day, the first thing I did when I got home was do one more chop on Tonka’s old cart. The process of cutting through the thick steel frame rattled me. Not only physically but mentally as well. That cart had packed myself, my friends, loved ones and nearly every child that has been a part of my life for the past 19 years. One cut was all I could handle today. One cut towards my Chopper was enough to get me closer and enough to let me mourn the death of the old cart all at once.
I went inside and the weirdness of the day followed me into the house. All I wanted to do was curl up on the couch and become one with my sorrows.
There were so many reasons to feel guilty for doing this but my brain had had enough already today and wasn't willing to take anymore. Even the choice as to which horse was supposed to go out tonight was too much.
I gave my mind some space and backed off on the pressure. It was after all Brent’s birthday tomorrow and I had a cake to bake, I would start there.
German chocolate cake with coconut pecan frosting was his cake of choice every year. I always cut the cake in two and add a can of cherry pie filling to the middle.
The kitchen window looks out into the horse's paddock. There were branches and sticks stern about. My attempts to stack them neatly destroyed by years of hurricane force winds. I wish I could just burn them I thought to myself.
Then it hit me. They were dry! Those branches and sticks that cluttered all my favorite outside places were dry for the first time in ever!! And maybe the last time ever.
I ran to my secret lighter stash and popped a lighter into my bra. As soon as that cake was done in the oven I was heading outside to burn the 7 year old pile of slash that was so rudely taking up far too much space in the location of my future indoor riding arena. The indoor riding arena that I have been dreaming about and ever so slowly working towards for over 20 years.
The timer dinged. Stick a toothpick in the cake. Dammit!! Not ready yet. Two more minutes of finding something to do while waiting for the cake to come out of the oven, and thankfully that 2 minutes was all the cake needed.
Outside I went armed with fuel and 3 large bags of shredded paper. They hadn’t helped me much in the garden but they were definitely flammable.
I have lived in houses smaller than this slash pile, and for 7 years I have been trying to burn it. The edges have now rotted and there were sinkholes made of mud and decomposed brushed at the edges. Not only was it taking up space but it was going to leave mud behind! I’m done with mud. Especially in my arena.
I tucked the 3 bags of shredded paper into edge of the middle of pile and put a little fuel on it.
Standing back I carefully light the paper.
It flickered and nearly went out. Barely burning, light the end of a match that has already seen it’s light it died.
So much for shredded paper idea.
I tried again my, this time in more than one spot and a little closer to the fuel. There was some protest from the flame but it persisted non the less.
Dragging the dry wood out of the wet woods I started to pile it onto my tiny flame. Finally the pile was going to burn. I had a good feeling about this.
The flames grew, as long as I continued to feed them. So that;s what I did. Two and half hours I pulled pieces of finally dry wood out of my way and fed them to the fire that reclaiming a spot of land I have never had a chance to use.
I watched the sun through the darkness of my forest while it slipped away in a brilliant band of deep orange light, very much like the deep orange light of my fire.
While the fire in the sky turned dark I kept working and thinking about the fire within myself, reflecting on my passions and the thoughts that fuel my actions.
*****
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